Pee and Poop a.k.a. Piss and Shit.
They are the rulers of our world. Friend one minute, enemy the next. And just like our real-life friends, finding the right balance can be challenging.
Too much of P.S. and you’re standing waist high in a flash flood and waving your white flag of surrender. Too little of P.S. and you’re on your knees praying to the yellow rain god and fudge fairy. When the yellow rain god doesn’t grant you the gift of serenity, extreme actions must be made.
Yep, that’s right, a tube in the pee-pee hole.
Women are the worst. Big women, even worse. Big, old, stanky, confused, hairy, creamy, women, now that’s just depressing.
Quick anatomy lesson: You got your peep hole, key hole and mail slot. Beware of Ms. Peanut Surprise, she’s a little sensitive.
Hitting the bulls eye is tricky so getting it the first time is a wonderful feeling. You’re going for a hole-in-one on an easy par three. Doable, but a lot of room for error. You sure as shit don’t want to land in a sand trap or water hazard. And a mulligan is a time-consuming, slippery mess.
Mining for that yellow gold takes a little time, a good team, and a little luck.
Scouting report. Scoping out the situation is the best bet for success. So grabbing a flash light, you set off on your one-man exploration of the unknown. It’s scary, its dark, and it’s wet. Shining your light back and forth in the depths of the caves and yelling “Hello!”, just to hear the echoing “HELLooelloo lolo lo”.
Assembling your team. After the scouting report comes back you can now assemble your team. Often times it’s just one other person, but occasionally you’ll need a 3rd person to complete your team. This person is often designated the ‘pussy/pannus puller-upper’. Their main job is to maintain the fat and keep it the hell out of the way.
Mental preparation. Take a deep breath and think about the goal ahead. Think about making eye contact with that winky eye. Robbing that baloney wallet for all its worth. Avoiding the jaws of the Vaginasaur. Not falling for that cummy bear. And last, but not least; see a brown eye staring at you, you’ve gone too far!
It’s GO time!
Poke. Push. Pray.
The yellow river starts flowing and it’s a beautiful sight.
It just can’t get more fucking fabulous than that!
Nov 30, 2011 @ 10:13:35
Oh my god I laughed so hard! Thank you!!!
Nov 30, 2011 @ 17:19:14
Awesome! I laughed so hard when reading/thinking of words for vagina, I did the silent laughing thing. Thank YOU for reading!!!!
Nov 30, 2011 @ 19:54:59
LMAO! I love your blog. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it! Although if I ever have to be catheterized again I’ll definitely be wondering about what the nurse is calling my vag in her head
Dec 04, 2011 @ 23:55:48
I’m glad you got a laugh, my friend! Everyone needs ‘em! Haha, we only really reserve the name calling for those aged vags. Ones who have been fermenting their wine for far too long!
Dec 04, 2011 @ 20:50:39
I find that a catherization is always most easily accomplished if you have a backup on standby. It’s not so much that you need them to do any heavy lifting, but the moral support is needed to accomplish the task with the greatest of ease.
I think that was perhaps the most colorful description of a catheter insertion I have ever heard!
Dec 04, 2011 @ 21:02:10
Yes, thank you for reminding me of the moral support. I can’t believe I forgot that. Just to know someone has your back and could step in if the shit (piss) hits the fan is sometimes all you need.
Dec 07, 2011 @ 13:02:59
Pannus pussy lifter. hahaha Fermenting their wine. Tee Hee! Those are the times you tell them you’ve got to be sure it’s REALLY clean because you don’t want to give them an infection and start hosing them down before you even get close to the pannus! OMG. So glad I don’t have to do that $hit anymore!
Now I just work at a place that always smells like that but at least I know it’s not from poor personal hygiene. Just yummy chemicals and off-gassing of biomass breakdown. A little sulfur dioxide? Propane? Off-gassing that’s chemical makeup is cadaverine and putricine? YUMMO! However, it goes along withe farting post – at least this way I can hide it when I do it.
Jan 02, 2012 @ 21:10:45
BAHA, fermenting! I’ve been using that word lately, we’ve been hanging out too much lately!!!
Dec 09, 2011 @ 05:51:33
“pussy/pannus puller-upper’” awwww shit that just made my morning tea come out my nose! I’m laffin so hard, thanks I sooo needed that~
Dec 09, 2011 @ 08:53:46
Hehehe, it’s funny until you have to hold those heavy lips up for 30 minutes while your co-worker tries to find that needle-in-a-hay-stack pee hole of theirs!
Thanks for reading!!!
Dec 29, 2011 @ 16:23:13
One of the few times men have it over women
Thanks for the laugh
Jan 02, 2012 @ 21:11:40
This is true!! Only one way in, one way out! Thanks for reading!