Pee and Poop a.k.a. Piss and Shit.
They are the rulers of our world. Friend one minute, enemy the next. And just like our real-life friends, finding the right balance can be challenging.
Too much of P.S. and you’re standing waist high in a flash flood and waving your white flag of surrender. Too little of P.S. and you’re on your knees praying to the yellow rain god and fudge fairy. When the yellow rain god doesn’t grant you the gift of serenity, extreme actions must be made.
Yep, that’s right, a tube in the pee-pee hole.
Women are the worst. Big women, even worse. Big, old, stanky, confused, hairy, creamy, women, now that’s just depressing.
Quick anatomy lesson: You got your peep hole, key hole and mail slot. Beware of Ms. Peanut Surprise, she’s a little sensitive.
Hitting the bulls eye is tricky so getting it the first time is a wonderful feeling. You’re going for a hole-in-one on an easy par three. Doable, but a lot of room for error. You sure as shit don’t want to land in a sand trap or water hazard. And a mulligan is a time-consuming, slippery mess.
Mining for that yellow gold takes a little time, a good team, and a little luck.
Scouting report. Scoping out the situation is the best bet for success. So grabbing a flash light, you set off on your one-man exploration of the unknown. It’s scary, its dark, and it’s wet. Shining your light back and forth in the depths of the caves and yelling “Hello!”, just to hear the echoing “HELLooelloo lolo lo”.
Assembling your team. After the scouting report comes back you can now assemble your team. Often times it’s just one other person, but occasionally you’ll need a 3rd person to complete your team. This person is often designated the ‘pussy/pannus puller-upper’. Their main job is to maintain the fat and keep it the hell out of the way.
Mental preparation. Take a deep breath and think about the goal ahead. Think about making eye contact with that winky eye. Robbing that baloney wallet for all its worth. Avoiding the jaws of the Vaginasaur. Not falling for that cummy bear. And last, but not least; see a brown eye staring at you, you’ve gone too far!
It’s GO time!
Poke. Push. Pray.
The yellow river starts flowing and it’s a beautiful sight.
It just can’t get more fucking fabulous than that!