Pulling the Poop Plug

When patients don’t poop it’s pretty awful. We tend to complain when patients shower us with shit but it’s just as bad when Poop refuses to show its dirty, ugly face.

Poop: “Neener, neener, neener.”
Me: “Fuck you.”

Occasionally Poop likes to be a recluse. Hiding out in the dark catacombs of your insides, refusing to be seen in the daylight. Poop can be a stubborn, agoraphobic, asshole taunting you until you’ve reached your limits.

Agoraphobia at its best.



War is declared. Drastic measures need to be taken. You pull your hair back; put your war paint on, and the ever present mantra, ‘The end justifies the means’, rolls through your mind.

Time to go batshit crazy on Poop!
Slap yourself in the face, rip your shirt off, and let out a war cry ‘Ay ay ay ay ay ay!’

“Just the tip” (Colace)
Regular stool softeners are often adequate for most people. Hey, sometimes just the tip is good enough.

Seriously, who doesn't like to play this game?!

“Seriously, I’ve got a gun” (Senna, MOM, Lactulose)
Things are getting a little more heated up in here. You need to get out Poop. I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to shoot a bitch.

Don't fuck with this Pussy

“Just tickle the rim” (suppositories)
Don’t you love it when you put in the suppository and you get past the sphincter and it just sucks it up? *Shhluurp*

'Fleshlight' Best. Product. Name. Ever.

“Pulling the Poop Plug” (Enemas, digital disimpaction)
Flash flood time. If that doesn’t work, time to get dirty and give Poop the middle finger. Double glove it, lube up that finger like there’s no tomorrow and insert just the tip. Pick, dig, pick. Easy, be gentle now. Give that Poop plug a crooked finger and drag it out into the sunlight.

FML.

Fucking Fabulous!

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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. princesagr
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 08:44:33

    Ok, I am not hungry anymore 😛

    Reply

  2. Kelly Jo
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 09:09:57

    A perfect reminder of why I decided to be an x-ray tech instead of a nurse. (Of course, I am required to play in this zone during the occasional barium enema. Ewww…)

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Dec 29, 2011 @ 09:45:08

      I love you x-ray people!!! “NURSE!!!!! Your patient needs you!!!!” Then you pack up your shit and high-tail it out there like your arses are on fire! 😀

      Eww that just sounds terrible! I would probably just hide out in the bathroom until my co-worker did it! Oh make a woman-problem excuse!

      Reply

      • Kelly Jo
        Dec 29, 2011 @ 17:50:08

        You got it! Haven’t you noticed how I won’t even go into a patient’s room without getting their nurse first? There are several reasons behind that. Poop is high on the list.

  3. Jason
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 09:17:02

    Soooooo…nurses get showered in poop? Now I know why I’m not a nurse.

    Reply

  4. Bronan the Barbarian!
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 09:22:34

    Goddammit, I was eating when I read that. Now I have to poop.

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Dec 29, 2011 @ 09:49:02

      One time I had a patient poop out a log that looked EXACTLY like a package of little smokies. I did a double take because I thought maybe he was playing a trick on me, it looked THAT real. I seriously wanted to put in a jar and show it to the world! I shit you not.

      Reply

  5. Murﺗﻀﯽ
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 19:36:01

    Digital disimpaction??? I was never ever taught to do that in nursing school–ever! It makes perfect sense though–just like the ‘snake’ opening up a clogged pipe.

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Dec 29, 2011 @ 20:45:34

      Well…really a doctor should be doing it if its higher up since you can do some damage. I’m just talking about picking at the hard stuff right inside the hidey hole. Sometimes if you just pick the lock and open the gate, the crowd will just bum rush the stage and there ain’t no stopping ’em.

      Reply

  6. Jessica
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 21:02:53

    All these things floated through my head after I gave birth to my first child and didn’t know I should have gone home with some Colace. As I sat on the toilet I thought, “Do I really want someone else digging around in there? Let’s do this!” And commenced digging for something a little less valuable than gold (and a lot harder). Ok, TMI, but just had to share because your post made me start singing “Memories” by Streisand and reminiscing about the past…

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:10:25

      “let’s do this!” HAHA!!! I love it!!

      Omgomgomg, same exact thing happened to me after my first child!!! I was like this is fucking ridiculous! My first real bout of constipation. It was hell! I didn’t dig for good stuff, but I did walk I had a foot up my ass to try and work it out! It did, it worked!

      P.S. Love, love, love the TMI. It’s never too much for me!

      Reply

  7. mooselicker
    Dec 30, 2011 @ 13:04:09

    I went to school with someone who became an RN. I didn’t like her. I hope she has to deal with even worse poop problems than you. What’s the suicide rate among nurses? It has to be high.

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:13:27

      I love the smiting and wishing the worst for someone you don’t care for. It’s always nice to pictures someone you don’t like to be rolling around in shit, either figuratively or literally.

      Reply

  8. nancyelizabethlauzon
    Dec 31, 2011 @ 11:30:45

    I’ll answer mooselicker’s question – I don’t know about suicide, but the number of burned out, depressed as shit nurses is way up there. I ought to know. Love the post, though. Takes me back to the good ol’ days.

    Reply

    • fabulousrn
      Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:15:50

      Thanks, Nancy! Burn out is so high, its ridiculous! Soo stressful! I burst out in tears the other day talking to my husband about being stressed out at times. Thank goodness for role changes as well!

      Reply

  9. Rachel (Chasing After Dreams)
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 16:19:38

    I may be sick and twisted, but I seriously get a sense of accomplishment once the small lubricated bullet has found it’s own way up the rest of the spinchter. Or maybe it’s just the relief that I can GTFO of there… And got to love a good ole fleet enema. Whyyyyyyyyy do we wait until day 7?

    Reply

  10. fabulousrn
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 17:42:25

    Yes, me too, me too! For reals! I whisper quietly to myself ‘Yeah’, when it goes up there. I also like to high tail it out of there. I’ll see my aid and say ‘Uh, by the way, I just gave 556a a suppository, so you might wanna watch out for that, and ohh I uh need to go give 559b some meds.” Then I walk purposefully down the hall and I hide out in the med room for a while 😉

    I have no fucking clue!?! Ugh, and the Poop it has just sat in their bodies, fermenting.

    Reply

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