Twelve Days of Fabulous. #4: Penises

I have seen so much dick, it’s sickening. If I had a nickel for every shlong I’ve seen, I’d be shitting hundreds of nickels.

Broad. Chubby. Pastel Pink. Curved. Black. Crooked. Colossal. Gruesome. Ghost White. Bumpy. Curdled.  Ripe. Dusty. Rotten. Fuzzy. Charcoal. Petite. Hangy. Miniature. Massive. Short. Fat. Carnation Pink. Stubby. Cheesy. Skinny. Meaty. Long. Wiry. Hairy. Rubbery. Scrunchy. Tiny. Puny. Curved. Scrawny. Mammoth.

They are disgusting. Peering at you with that Cyclops eye, just watching, and waiting. It’s fucking creepy. It’s like when you get that feeling that someone is staring at you, so you look, make eye contact, then look away really quick. That’s the feeling I get when I have to look at someone’s schfance.

They come in ALL shapes and sizes. Like a snowflake, no two are alike. There are hundreds of names for Cacks.

Here are my favs!

Helmet.

Hose (using a Scottish accent)

Turtle Neck Sweater

Wang

Cheese Dick

Destroyer

Mushroom Top

Pussy Pounder

Trouser Snake

Trunk

Tiny Tim

Extension Cord

Konkey Dong

Kickstand

Pecker

Tongue Depressor

Member

Tube Steak

Penises, Fucking Fabulous?!?

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Twelve Days of Fabulous. # 5: Finding stuff in your patient’s crotch.

I love it when you turn your patient or take a peek at their foley and a warm surprise is waiting for you.

“Let me guess you had the salmon with rice for lunch.”

“Oh, there’s your cell phone! Let me just fish it out for you.”

“You were looking for your call light? Silly, it’s right here in your vagina.”

Also a new meaning for the term ‘Flavor saver’.

Finding a slippery, slimy, smelly surprise; fucking fabulous!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #6: Piss Problems

Women suck at peeing. Real bad.

Birthing babies through love tunnels, girly surgeries, weak twat muscles; it all adds up to pee where it shouldn’t be. There are a few different types of ways pee-pee gets in your panties. Let’s discuss.

“Loose sphincter” (Stress incontinence)

Standing, laughing, leap frog, putting the peen in the vaheen; any fun at all and the pee is coming out. Basically the pee in the bladder and the sphincter (urethra A.K.A. pee hole) are playing red rover.

“Red Rover, Red Rover send Pee-pee right over!”

The bladder wall muscles contract and send over the big burly kid who already has facial hair and wears size 12 shoe (Pee-pee).  Pee-pee easily breaks through the tight elbow-to-elbow lock from the smelly kid and the kid in glasses. Boom. Piss in your panties.

Panty Protection: Light 

“Right NOW!” (Urge incontinence)

 “If I call to go pee, it means I got to go NOW. So if you hear my call light, come right away!”-Every fucking little/big/young/old lady patient.

Panty Protection: Medium

“A little from column ‘A’, a little from column ‘B'” (Mixed incontinence)

Worst of both worlds.

Panty Protection: Medium-Heavy

“Leaky faucet” (Overflow)

Sphincter goes home early, before the job is done. Empties a little bit of liquid gold but not all of it. So now you’re left with cup-o-pee and the pitcher is still pouring. Some people just leak a little bit out just like a leaky faucet. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Panty Protection: Heavy

“WINNING” for one shift equals:

  • Lack of piss in/on your shoes
  • Not slipping in pee-pee
  • No pee-filled diaper landing on your arm/pants/shoes *SPLAT*
  • Absence of a completely pee-soaked bed

Fucking Fabulous!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #7: Crazy Bitches

The six steps to having a crazy patient.

Step 1: Realization Shit, this bitch is crazy!

Step 2: Endurance I can handle this crazy wench!

Step 3: Surrender I’ve had enough of this crazy psycho hose beast!

Step 4: Guilt Well, we’re all crazy whores sometimes.

Step 5: Confirmation Co-worker, “You’re patient in 502B is a crazy cunt face.”

Step 6: Delight “Yes, I know, huh??!!!!!?”

When your co-worked confirms that your crazy patient really is crazy its just so fucking fabulous.

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #8: Your patient can’t remember your name.

Shelley, Kacey, Kim, Nellie, Kristal, Kerry, Khloe, Mary, Salley, Kristen, Smelly, Nelly, Katie, Kallie, Kelsey, Kaitlyn, Karen…this goes on all shift.

After the hundredth time of repeating your name you finally settle for “Nurse” or “Hey, You”.

Then you hear it.

Your name being shouted from your patient’s room. The feeling of dread washes over you just like when your mom shouted your full name when you were little.

 You walk into your patient’s room only to discover that your patient is covered in shit from head to toe.

With an exasperated sigh you grumble, “Now you remember my name, fucking fabulous!”

Twelve days of Fabulous: #9: Nicknames we give to patients

Jabba the hut.

Crazy Bitch.

Crypt Keeper

That guy with the really big shlong.

Edward Poopyhands.

Skeletor. She looks like that fat blueberry chick from Willy Wonka. Another Bill. Biggie Smalls. Bed wetter. She smells sorta c-diffy. Bowling ball. He looks like Dustin Hoffman! Asshole. He’s the Kool-Aid Man! Biggin. Fuckhead. Dragon Breath. Crotch Rot.

 

Fucking Fabulous!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #10: Smelly Hugs

Some people like to hug more than others. Usually it’s the stinky, yucky, icky patients that love to hug it out.

Hold your breath. Plaster a smile on your face. And give it all you got.

Because let’s be honest, hugs are great, even stinky ones.

 

Now go bathe in hand sanitizer and  wash out that little bit of bile from the back of your mouth.

 

Fucking Fabulous.

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