Pulling the Poop Plug

When patients don’t poop it’s pretty awful. We tend to complain when patients shower us with shit but it’s just as bad when Poop refuses to show its dirty, ugly face.

Poop: “Neener, neener, neener.”
Me: “Fuck you.”

Occasionally Poop likes to be a recluse. Hiding out in the dark catacombs of your insides, refusing to be seen in the daylight. Poop can be a stubborn, agoraphobic, asshole taunting you until you’ve reached your limits.

Agoraphobia at its best.



War is declared. Drastic measures need to be taken. You pull your hair back; put your war paint on, and the ever present mantra, ‘The end justifies the means’, rolls through your mind.

Time to go batshit crazy on Poop!
Slap yourself in the face, rip your shirt off, and let out a war cry ‘Ay ay ay ay ay ay!’

“Just the tip” (Colace)
Regular stool softeners are often adequate for most people. Hey, sometimes just the tip is good enough.

Seriously, who doesn't like to play this game?!

“Seriously, I’ve got a gun” (Senna, MOM, Lactulose)
Things are getting a little more heated up in here. You need to get out Poop. I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to shoot a bitch.

Don't fuck with this Pussy

“Just tickle the rim” (suppositories)
Don’t you love it when you put in the suppository and you get past the sphincter and it just sucks it up? *Shhluurp*

'Fleshlight' Best. Product. Name. Ever.

“Pulling the Poop Plug” (Enemas, digital disimpaction)
Flash flood time. If that doesn’t work, time to get dirty and give Poop the middle finger. Double glove it, lube up that finger like there’s no tomorrow and insert just the tip. Pick, dig, pick. Easy, be gentle now. Give that Poop plug a crooked finger and drag it out into the sunlight.

FML.

Fucking Fabulous!

I’m a Versatile Blogger Award Winner

A big thank you goes out to The Chick Dick Mysteries, who nominated me for the Versatile Blog Award! Nancy is a fabulous woman who is a former nurse; a rogue, indie author; has an unhealthy shoe/purse addiction; and who intimidates the fuck out of me with her amazing writing talents. Pretty fucking fabulous, if you ask me.

She's amazing!

Along with the perks of winning this award come certain responsibilities, which are, in no particular order:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 10 blogs you enjoy reading. Sorry people, I’m just too lazy and over Twittered to attempt to write about 15 blogs! I can pull off 10 though. 😉
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Kind of a glorified chain letter, but I still love it! I feel like this is a great way to learn about blogs that you might not come across on your own. It’s also a great way to shout out to the blogs that you enjoy reading every day. So pull up your dirty panties and participate! Here we go!

Here are 7 things about me:

  • I don’t like seafood. This is a disgrace to my heritage. You should see the looks I get when real Asians hear this for the first time.
  • I went to Europe when I was 16 years old. I loved Venice. The water looked like disgusting, fermented toilet water.
  • I have three dogs; Olive, BEANz!, and Duke. Also known as Crazy, Special, and Seal Blubber.
  • I’m handicapped when it comes to hair and makeup. My friends like to call me manly. I agree.
  • My first CD was Green Day’s Dookie. After hearing it 30 times in a row I promptly bought a Green Day t-shirt with a big piece of shit on the front. Well, my mom actually bought it. Gawd I miss her.
  • People I would go gay for: Sofia Vergara, Zooey Deschanel, and Karen O.
  • I once had a sex dream starring Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer for Weezer. It was amazing.

Here are my nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. http://bronanthebarbarian.com –This bro is rude, crude, and fucking hilarious. Do some pre-reading Kegel exercises because you could seriously pee your pants.

A picture from his recent post 'Why Santa Claus is an Asshole'

2. http://lexiconlover.wordpress.com –Lexi, is an insightful addict on many different levels. She takes you through her addictions of drugs, love, and body image. She makes you laugh, cry, and appreciate her everyday battles.

3. http://chasingafterdreams.com — Rachel, a 20-something Canadian, public-health nurse is cute, sweet, and funny. She has a big heart and bigger dreams. She’s inspiring.

Super cute!

4. http://nurselyssie.wordpress.com –Alyssa , a new-grad nurse who is fun and quirky. I love reading about her experiences in nursing school and now a new chapter of her life has begun. Reminds me of my not-too-long-ago new nurse days.

5. http://kimxrn.wordpress.com — Kim is a beautiful nurse, inside and out. Her blog is cute, inspiring, and thoughtful. She’s a fellow new blogger, like myself.

Fabulous!

6. http://thenerdynurse.com –Brittney, is a patient, nurse, and technology advocate. Her blog is so amazing and informative, I love it. She is what I want to be when I grow up.

7. http://dianamican.wordpress.com –Diana is funny, sarcastic, and secretly sweet. Her blog is one of the first blogs I read and it blew my mind. The overwhelming number of our common tastes and distastes still freaks me out a little.

Love this!

8. http://my2ndheartbeat.wordpress.com — A blog written by a heart transplant recipient whose story is truly amazing and fabulous. He gave me my first shout out and I am forever thankful! He’s seen death (shocked over 100 times!) and now knows the gift of life. Please, please read his story. It’s really inspiring to see the patient’s perspective.

9. http://sickerthings.wordpress.com –Hussy is an ICU nurse that is even sicker than me! Possible?! Yes! She still blogs but her tweets are soo ridiculously funny! I’m truly addicted to the Pussy Hussy!

You have to check out her Twitter! Just click on the TITTIES to connect!

10. http://motherhoodandotheradventures.wordpress.com — The only person I know in real life. She inspired me to start my blog after reading hers. She’s a hard-working stay-at-home mother to the cutest little guy. He has Sensory Processing Disorder. Her blog has amazing projects and crafts for children. She makes me want to be a better mother.

Her little guy making one her fabulous projects!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #1: Poop coming out of a vagina

For all you non-nursey type people out there, this is a real thing.

Wires get crossed. Pipes get busted.

There’s nothing fabulous about it, except that you now get to add it to your extremely long list of gross things you’ve seen.

Literally, a Poop Baby.

FUCKING FABULOUS??!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #2: Poop Puke

Poop: Excrement

Puke: Vomit

Both equally horrible and disgusting in their own rights. One could lead to the other and vice versa. I’ve done both at the same time and it was dreadful.

There’s a mutated beast out there known as the Poop Puke. It stems from a blockage in your pipes, also known as a bowel obstruction.

For all you non-nursey peeps out there it’s pretty simple really. The poop can’t get to your asshole so it comes back out your mouth.

Yep.

Poop Puke.

Fucking Fabulous!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #6: Piss Problems

Women suck at peeing. Real bad.

Birthing babies through love tunnels, girly surgeries, weak twat muscles; it all adds up to pee where it shouldn’t be. There are a few different types of ways pee-pee gets in your panties. Let’s discuss.

“Loose sphincter” (Stress incontinence)

Standing, laughing, leap frog, putting the peen in the vaheen; any fun at all and the pee is coming out. Basically the pee in the bladder and the sphincter (urethra A.K.A. pee hole) are playing red rover.

“Red Rover, Red Rover send Pee-pee right over!”

The bladder wall muscles contract and send over the big burly kid who already has facial hair and wears size 12 shoe (Pee-pee).  Pee-pee easily breaks through the tight elbow-to-elbow lock from the smelly kid and the kid in glasses. Boom. Piss in your panties.

Panty Protection: Light 

“Right NOW!” (Urge incontinence)

 “If I call to go pee, it means I got to go NOW. So if you hear my call light, come right away!”-Every fucking little/big/young/old lady patient.

Panty Protection: Medium

“A little from column ‘A’, a little from column ‘B'” (Mixed incontinence)

Worst of both worlds.

Panty Protection: Medium-Heavy

“Leaky faucet” (Overflow)

Sphincter goes home early, before the job is done. Empties a little bit of liquid gold but not all of it. So now you’re left with cup-o-pee and the pitcher is still pouring. Some people just leak a little bit out just like a leaky faucet. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Panty Protection: Heavy

“WINNING” for one shift equals:

  • Lack of piss in/on your shoes
  • Not slipping in pee-pee
  • No pee-filled diaper landing on your arm/pants/shoes *SPLAT*
  • Absence of a completely pee-soaked bed

Fucking Fabulous!

A hole in one. (Warning! Rated-R)

Pee and Poop a.k.a. Piss and Shit.

They are the rulers of our world. Friend one minute, enemy the next. And just like our real-life friends, finding the right balance can be challenging.

Too much of P.S. and you’re standing waist high in a flash flood and waving your white flag of surrender. Too little of P.S. and you’re on your knees praying to the yellow rain god and fudge fairy. When the yellow rain god doesn’t grant you the gift of serenity, extreme actions must be made.

Yep, that’s right, a tube in the pee-pee hole.

Women are the worst. Big women, even worse. Big, old, stanky, confused, hairy, creamy, women, now that’s just depressing.

Quick anatomy lesson: You got your peep hole, key hole and mail slot. Beware of Ms. Peanut Surprise, she’s a little sensitive.

Hitting the bulls eye is tricky so getting it the first time is a wonderful feeling. You’re going for a hole-in-one on an easy par three. Doable, but a lot of room for error. You sure as shit don’t want to land in a sand trap or water hazard. And a mulligan is a time-consuming, slippery mess.

Mining for that yellow gold takes a little time, a good team, and a little luck.

Scouting report. Scoping out the situation is the best bet for success. So grabbing a flash light, you set off on your one-man exploration of the unknown. It’s scary, its dark, and it’s wet. Shining your light back and forth in the depths of the caves and yelling “Hello!”, just to hear the echoing “HELLooelloo lolo lo”.

Assembling your team. After the scouting report comes back you can now assemble your team. Often times it’s just one other person, but occasionally you’ll need a 3rd person to complete your team. This person is often designated the ‘pussy/pannus puller-upper’. Their main job is to maintain the fat and keep it the hell out of the way.

Mental preparation. Take a deep breath and think about the goal ahead. Think about making eye contact with that winky eye. Robbing that baloney wallet for all its worth. Avoiding the jaws of the Vaginasaur. Not falling for that cummy bear. And last, but not least; see a brown eye staring at you, you’ve gone too far!

It’s GO time!

Poke. Push. Pray.

The yellow river starts flowing and it’s a beautiful sight.

 

It just can’t get more fucking fabulous than that!

 

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