Pulling the Poop Plug

When patients don’t poop it’s pretty awful. We tend to complain when patients shower us with shit but it’s just as bad when Poop refuses to show its dirty, ugly face.

Poop: “Neener, neener, neener.”
Me: “Fuck you.”

Occasionally Poop likes to be a recluse. Hiding out in the dark catacombs of your insides, refusing to be seen in the daylight. Poop can be a stubborn, agoraphobic, asshole taunting you until you’ve reached your limits.

Agoraphobia at its best.



War is declared. Drastic measures need to be taken. You pull your hair back; put your war paint on, and the ever present mantra, ‘The end justifies the means’, rolls through your mind.

Time to go batshit crazy on Poop!
Slap yourself in the face, rip your shirt off, and let out a war cry ‘Ay ay ay ay ay ay!’

“Just the tip” (Colace)
Regular stool softeners are often adequate for most people. Hey, sometimes just the tip is good enough.

Seriously, who doesn't like to play this game?!

“Seriously, I’ve got a gun” (Senna, MOM, Lactulose)
Things are getting a little more heated up in here. You need to get out Poop. I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to shoot a bitch.

Don't fuck with this Pussy

“Just tickle the rim” (suppositories)
Don’t you love it when you put in the suppository and you get past the sphincter and it just sucks it up? *Shhluurp*

'Fleshlight' Best. Product. Name. Ever.

“Pulling the Poop Plug” (Enemas, digital disimpaction)
Flash flood time. If that doesn’t work, time to get dirty and give Poop the middle finger. Double glove it, lube up that finger like there’s no tomorrow and insert just the tip. Pick, dig, pick. Easy, be gentle now. Give that Poop plug a crooked finger and drag it out into the sunlight.

FML.

Fucking Fabulous!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #1: Poop coming out of a vagina

For all you non-nursey type people out there, this is a real thing.

Wires get crossed. Pipes get busted.

There’s nothing fabulous about it, except that you now get to add it to your extremely long list of gross things you’ve seen.

Literally, a Poop Baby.

FUCKING FABULOUS??!

Twelve Days of Fabulous. #2: Poop Puke

Poop: Excrement

Puke: Vomit

Both equally horrible and disgusting in their own rights. One could lead to the other and vice versa. I’ve done both at the same time and it was dreadful.

There’s a mutated beast out there known as the Poop Puke. It stems from a blockage in your pipes, also known as a bowel obstruction.

For all you non-nursey peeps out there it’s pretty simple really. The poop can’t get to your asshole so it comes back out your mouth.

Yep.

Poop Puke.

Fucking Fabulous!

A hole in one. (Warning! Rated-R)

Pee and Poop a.k.a. Piss and Shit.

They are the rulers of our world. Friend one minute, enemy the next. And just like our real-life friends, finding the right balance can be challenging.

Too much of P.S. and you’re standing waist high in a flash flood and waving your white flag of surrender. Too little of P.S. and you’re on your knees praying to the yellow rain god and fudge fairy. When the yellow rain god doesn’t grant you the gift of serenity, extreme actions must be made.

Yep, that’s right, a tube in the pee-pee hole.

Women are the worst. Big women, even worse. Big, old, stanky, confused, hairy, creamy, women, now that’s just depressing.

Quick anatomy lesson: You got your peep hole, key hole and mail slot. Beware of Ms. Peanut Surprise, she’s a little sensitive.

Hitting the bulls eye is tricky so getting it the first time is a wonderful feeling. You’re going for a hole-in-one on an easy par three. Doable, but a lot of room for error. You sure as shit don’t want to land in a sand trap or water hazard. And a mulligan is a time-consuming, slippery mess.

Mining for that yellow gold takes a little time, a good team, and a little luck.

Scouting report. Scoping out the situation is the best bet for success. So grabbing a flash light, you set off on your one-man exploration of the unknown. It’s scary, its dark, and it’s wet. Shining your light back and forth in the depths of the caves and yelling “Hello!”, just to hear the echoing “HELLooelloo lolo lo”.

Assembling your team. After the scouting report comes back you can now assemble your team. Often times it’s just one other person, but occasionally you’ll need a 3rd person to complete your team. This person is often designated the ‘pussy/pannus puller-upper’. Their main job is to maintain the fat and keep it the hell out of the way.

Mental preparation. Take a deep breath and think about the goal ahead. Think about making eye contact with that winky eye. Robbing that baloney wallet for all its worth. Avoiding the jaws of the Vaginasaur. Not falling for that cummy bear. And last, but not least; see a brown eye staring at you, you’ve gone too far!

It’s GO time!

Poke. Push. Pray.

The yellow river starts flowing and it’s a beautiful sight.

 

It just can’t get more fucking fabulous than that!

 

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